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Vlad Ivanivof

So I have 4 phases of drunkenness:

1-4 bottles of beer (or whatever the equivalent is if I'm knocking back something that isn't beer) - The tipsy stage. I'm going to be more loose and sociable than usual. At this point, I am going to be genuinely interested in pretty much whatever story you tell me and I have enough alcohol in me to have enhanced command of speech and language to deliver amazing jokes.

5-8 bottles of beer - This is where the wheels start to come off. At this point, I automatically become a billionaire philanthropist who thinks he's close friends with everyone. I see an acquaintance whom I barely know and probably exchanged 3 sentences worth of conversation with in the entire 8 years we've known each other? I don't give a fuck; get in here, I'll give you a tight awkward hug and buy you and your friends drinks.

The bartender mixed my drink exactly the way I want it? Here, take my wallet take as much cash as you want and buy something nice for your wife. I would throw cash at you myself but I am dual-wielding black Russians and I don't have a free hand.

9-12 bottles of beer. Shit-faced. At this stage, I am going to be slurring my words and I will lose my ability to construct coherent sentences. But that wouldn't stop me from throwing racist jokes whenever I get the chance because I find them super funny at this point. Wait, did you say you're part Japanese? I'll get you a Jaeger Bomb! I'm sure you'd love that!

13+ bottles of beer. "Vlad Ivanivof" makes an appearance. So Vlad Ivanivof is my alter ego. This guy is a fucking maniac. This guy once jumped off of a balcony on a dare. This guy drinks Baileys from a shoe. This guy got involved in an illegal cock-fighting ring with a bunch of Puerto Rican youth back in the 90s. This guy once woke up at the parking lot of McDonald's Marikina after apparently disappearing for 3 days. And this guy is banned from any Cowboy Grill branch after an incident involving Freddie Aguilar, kerosene and matches.

Vlad Ivanivof has never made an appearance in 10 years. Last night, Vlad Ivanivof made a cameo and while he's super fun, I can't really say I miss him.

Thanks to the old crew and to the new friends I met last night for reminding me about Vlad. It was a blast!

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