Twitter: [del.icio.us] Customer Experience Matters http://tinyurl.com/365rwo 1 day ago

Businessworld, Magazine Fail

Posted on July 22, 2008 
Filed Under Failures, Marketing | Leave a comment

Sometime last week, Somebody from Business World Philippines emailed me requesting me to answer some interview questions. Due to someone’s catastrophic lapse in judgment, the writer asked me to share my thoughts on drumming up sales in a period of economic slowdown stating that my “stature and authority” qualifies me to answer questions such as these (Obviously, not enough people who write for mainstream publications do their research).

Naturally, I asked her if she was serious and after learning that she was, I committed myself to doing it, even though I might as well write something about “breeding racist birds” given the degree of knowledge I have in the field of Marketing.

I agreed to do it mainly because:

  1. It would give me more exposure, some professional credibility and at the very least, add to the paltry list of press pieces that feature me.
  2. It’s short, meaning I am only required to dish out around 500 words.
  3. I get a kick out of churning out advice on topics I do not know squat about. There’s no better feeling in the world than knowing that I’ve have influenced a significant number of people in a field where I’ve had marginal to no success at all and something where I lack any sort of acceptable acumen in. All of these give me a MAJOR boner.

So, two days after getting the email, I sat down with my Macbook and brewed this little tour de force:
Read more

I hate your…

Posted on July 16, 2008 
Filed Under Uncategorized | 3 comments

Bedheads. I’m sure you’ve seen some of these people around. I mean seriously, you know these people were getting their lunch monies bullied out of them up until they were in high school and pretty much shunned by everyone in college.

But, all of a sudden they become the poster boys for Manila’s hip scene because they have this “look at my hair, it looks like I just woke up but guess what? It actually took me two hours to fix my hair. Oh and I am a web designer and I hate everything” haircuts and they wear skinny jeans and expensive sneakers.

Let’s back up a little here: Hasn’t “not trying too hard” always been one of the more important credos of being cool? Have you guys learned NOTHING?

Deodorants. As a man who sweats more than humans are physiologically built for, I am very critical of deodorants. I only use those heavy-duty, high-endurance sports sticks and I’m proud of it.

Let’s stay away from and leave those roll ons for sissies because, I, need the sticky white stuff clogging the pores in my pits and make sure that I’m dry all day long - Just fucking crust it up there like that.

I’ve never really understood roll ons. I have no idea why anyone would wear them and how this shit was given the green light to be marketed in the first place:

Roll on inventor: “I created a new deodorant product! It’s a thick, sticky fluid that when rolled on to an average man’s armpits, will make him feel hot, sweaty and uncomfortable. In addition to that, it isn’t as effective as the stick deodorants we currently have on our product line up, it makes stains on your shirt as soon as you put them on and has you stinking like a shoe after doing 5 minutes worth of anything phsyical. What do you think?”

Company CEO: Do it. And make sure you get Dingdong Dantes to market the shit out of it.

I don’t get it.

Candles, incense, a homosexual and an epiphany (of sorts)

Posted on July 10, 2008 
Filed Under Faggotry | 4 comments

Last night found me with lit candles and incense in my newly-decorated room while reading and drinking some leftover rum I found in the kitchen. Friends, this is what Mike “Fucking” Villar does sometimes to unwind. And really, can you think of better things than cheap liquor, a book, pleasant scents emanating from burning things and the sound of an infant’s acute distress and suffering to alleviate a week’s worth of work-related stress? Exactly.

And yes, I realize that this could be the start of a long, downward spiral into an empty, hedonistic existence. Or maybe I’m just really weird or maybe sexually confused or something. I don’t know.

I also know that, to you, this sounds really fucking weird and trust me, it is. I mean, a 26-year old man locking himself up in his room with candles and incense while reading books and sipping rum is not exactly considered “normal” or even “remotely heterosexual” in most cultures, but I feel relaxed when I do this so fuck off and judge me all you want but ask yourself this question when you do—Did I ever judge you? Even after I accidentally ran into you SM Megamall’s lingerie section sniffing sports bras? Thank you.

Anyway, last night, I ended up reading David Sedaris’ Holidays on ice. Now, David, admittedly, is one of my favorite authors and one of the few openly gay people I genuinely respect. However, upon perusing about twenty pages of Holidays on ice, all the fuss surrounding it wasn’t readily clear to me.

Of course, probably one reason for me not getting it is that my mind was muddled with envy.

As with most “Web” guys, I am envious of and hate everyone who are relatively more successful than I am especially if their success allows them to be famous, write a book, be free of any form of debt or bang attractive women (or in David’s case, men?) left and right.

The book was recommended to me by someone whose literary taste I consider impeccable so I continued reading it anyway.

It was actually a short read (the book only has 144 pages) and I was able to finish the entire thing in under four hours. Surprisingly, towards the middle, I found myself not able to at all times and the other did sorties to alternately pick up the plastic tumbler into which I poured the rum and bring it to my mouth or down my pants to touch my bird and mildly pleasure myself.

Read more

Stupid Flowers

Posted on June 29, 2008 
Filed Under Daily, Failures | 8 comments

Something I realized lately was I’m probably sending a lot of flower shop proprietors’ kids through college with the business I’m bringing them.

It’s not that I don’t give flowers to girls I’ve had relationships with in the past but lately, and this is probably because I’ve been screwing up a lot and giving my girlfriend flowers is necessitated more than ever, I find myself regularly visiting flower shops.

I’ve never gotten how flowers work and the polarity between how easily a man can get a girl flowers and how much women enjoy and fuss over them is something that never fails to amuse me. I spent countless hours wondering why and last night, somewhere between watching porn and running my Internet drug cartel I think I stumbled upon the answer.

On a guy’s perspective, sure, flowers seem like a really retarded gift– the women who receive them cannot wear them, they cannot consume them, nor could they grind them into a fine powder which they can sniff the hell out of and get fucked up on (This I’m not sure of. I mean, can you? If you’re interested in trying this out, shoot me an email and maybe we can make a documentary about it or something). In addition to that, they’re considerably pricey and they rot in a few days’ time. So yes, flowers, as seen by guys, are gay, costly gifts that do not have any sort practical use to anyone who receives them.
Read more

Birth Control, Condom Dry Run

Posted on June 17, 2008 
Filed Under Failures | 15 comments

 There comes a time in a man’s life when he manages to stay in a relationship for more than three days, get sex semi-regularly and when thinking about birth control is actually necessitated.

I, ladies and gentlemen, am at that juncture in my life. 

As I see it, I currently have two options: 1) Make the girlfriend go on the pill (Which, I believe is something every girl should be on after the second date anyway) and 2) Use a condom.

Now let’s talk about option #1 first. To say that I am iffy with the idea of making the girlfriend go on the pill would be an enormous understatement. Reading up on the matter, I found out that the common side effects of the pill are headaches, depression, change in intensity of sexual desire and response, vaginitis and vaginal discharge–things which defeat the entire purpose of even thinking about birth control which is to get as much sexing as humanly possible. I mean vaginal discharge? Eww Come on!

Read more

Next Page →