When I finally put up my own company…(A message to IT Administrators everywhere)
Filed under: Internets, Marketing, Nickel and Diming, Web Two Point Oh
- My workforce would be comprised purely of humanoid robots.
- Specifically those that resemble a female human with 36c breasts and blond hair capable of performing fellatio and maybe a bit of sexy dancing.
- These robots would be productive 100% all the time–I will mandate that each and every one of them are to log in and out of work on time, including lunch and coffee breaks and none of them will ever complain! None!
- You know what, now that I think of it, I’ll probably outsource robots from third world countries. I heard robots cost really cheap over there–like less than $20,000 a year or something.
- And because they cost cheap, I will assume that they never get bored, wont demand fair benefits nor would they have any need to surf the net to go on Facebook or Twitter. They’re from the third world for Christ’s sakes!
- And because I’m smart enough to hire 100% efficient robots who would willingly drudge in salt mines should I desire it, I don’t have to worry about my company’s network getting congested because of traffic to social sites–a problem I would definitely have had I chosen to hire human workers. Now, my call center agents, who’re also robots, wouldn’t have to deal with callers who complain about how “choppy” the VOIP connection is.
…If I was the CEO of my own company. But for now I have to live with the fact that I am but a program manager encumbered with the fact that I live in a country where most system administrators have a reactive thought process in dealing with IT-related problems.
What do you mean you can’t access your email? Oh I know, let’s reformat your hard drive and do a fresh Windows XP install! Bam! Problem solved!
A virus threat?! OMG! Let’s disable WiFi access on all laptops in the network! THEN do a fresh Windows XP install! Bam! Probllem solved!
Is the Internet slow during office hours? Why, let’s indiscriminately block half of the sites our employees access! Bam! Problem solved!
The usual IT scapegoats in almost all network congestion problems seem to be social sites like Facebook, MySpace and their ilk. This is fine–In an assembly line. What IT departments in most companies, especially those who are marketing-driven, fail to take into consideration when doing their capacity planning is that the underpinnings of successful employees are creativity and innovation–hallmarks which a restrictive IT environment fails to and will fail to cultivate.
Nostradamus said 2009 will be a year of MEGA FAIL.
I am going to say this with as much exultation and relief as it’s possible to contain in words–It’s over. The pother, the binge eating/drinking, the traffic and cramming for presents to buy; all of it is over.
Now aside from New Year’s eve, I pretty much have nothing else left to look forward to besides, probably, my yearly trip to the Far Eastern University Hospital’s emergency room sometime around my birthday March next year because I managed to imbibe a near-lethal cocktail of ground Xanax, Lexapro/Cymbalta, GSM blue and lighter fluid out of sheer depression.
However, like all young, management types like yours truly, I like to plan my year early to sort of hit the ground running come the start of next year.
That said, let me, Mike Villar: STILL Rising Internet Star, highlight the goals I’ve set for myself next year so that you, my readers, can, as reference, look back to this post next year and laugh at how I miserably failed at attaining each of them.
My first goal for 2009 would be:
My Christmas. Financially.
Here’s a sad, sad truth about me: I stopped enjoying Christmas after I turned ten. Looking back at the Christmases before that time, as a kid, what’s not to love? There’s Christmas vacation from school, lots of food at home, money from my godparents and really awesome gifts from relatives! I mean Pau’s mom who is my aunt/godmother, as far as I can remember, invariably gave me shaving cream from Gillette every Christmas until I’m like 10–a time when I didn’t even have pubic hair and armpit hair, let alone facial hair.
(So yeah, tita, thank you for giving me a gift that allowed me to shave off my eyebrows when I was a kid hassle-free! I mean, as if the fact that I peed sitting down when I was in grade school wasn’t enough to make a good part of my childhood miserable, I also had to be the kid with one of his eyebrows shaved off.)
Vultures and balls.
Yesterday, my friend Garret invited me, three other guys and a girl to celebrate one of his recent purchases - A billiards table. Now, just so you have an idea as to what kind of neighborhood I live in, buying a billiards table is tantamount to buying a brand new car and is, of course, surrounded with unnecessary and excessive excitement.
This is probably because, buying a billiards table tells everyone that:
- “Hey my house is big enough for a billiards table! Yours is not!”
- “My dad works for the customs bureau. I’m an illegitimate child and he only comes home every week to bone my loshang mother. Oh and we have lots of money!”
- “I’m a douche lol”
Anyway, I know the other guys Garret invited over but it’s the first time I saw the girl in the group. I have a total of 3 female friends–one of them became my girlfriend and the other two I have not seen for quite some time now. I am seriously wanting in the female friends department and I can only assume that this is because once I find myself being close enough emotionally to any woman I end up trying to make passes at her and even go to the extent of promising her things I cannot possibly fulfill to get into her panties. And usually, when that happens, every small dollop of “friendship” I’ve managed to nurture with said woman goes down the proverbial drain.
Everything began quite uneventfully; everyone was having a grand time playing 9-ball while the booze flowed freely courtesy of Garrett whose fortitude when it comes throwing back beers is something I want to publicly praise. Seriously; as far as I know, this guy, being unemployed and all, drinks every fucking night but somehow manages to get himself out of bed at 6am everyday to help “supervise” his family’s construction business. I, on the other hand, sleep like twelve hours a day (three at work) and on a good day, I would need to have a cup of coffee and a bottle of Cobra just to get me to open my eyes.
Like I said, the early part of the night was pretty uneventful–with everyone taking turns on the billiards table on a “challenge the winner” format. There were several new rivalries formed most notably, a rivalry between myself (2002 PSBA open 9-ball Champion, Anonas Leg) and my friend Ricky whom, at the end of the night, I lost 700 bucks and a cellphone to. (Ricky, I don’t remember exactly what happened, but dude, I still can’t believe I put my cellphone up as a bet. Dude, seriously, I need that phone).
A lesson in humility
Have you ever had such a shitty week that when you lie in bed at night, you’re seriously toying with the idea of a drastic career change from a sedentary Internet Marketing executive into something more fulfilling like a guy who gives people herpes or someone who gets kicked in the balls for a living?
How about such a shitty week where grand money-making schemes permeate every minute of your consciousness because you know, that come month end, the credit card companies are going to lay down the hurt on you and the only way you’re going to get out of it is by either becoming a full-time criminal, taking up a new identity somewhere in the Ilocos region working as a dynamite fisherman or fake your own death altogether?
Well, ladies and gentlemen, that was the sort of week I had last week. So, naturally, I did what I know best to alleviate the sheer frustration I felt and that is to drink my self fuck silly.
"The personal blog of Marketing Strategist, Rising Internet Star, Man Blog editor, child pornographer, alcoholic, and cokehead-- Douchebag Jones--Err, Mike Villar!